Man hoping XXXmas will catch on soon

For the longest time, Christmas was the holiday everyone looked forward to. However, after a recent ruling by the Supreme Court to replace Christmas with Xmas, a move called edgy and 'in tune with today's X-treme youth', many are wondering what the new holiday name will eventually evolve into.
Local pornography store frequenter Rusty Smeelton is hoping his idea for XXXmas will one day become the go-to name for the holiday.
"I like Xmas, don't get me wrong, but this holiday is all about showing the love and what shows loe more than a XXX movie with a woman being double-teamed by a plumber and a cable repairman?" Rusty stated in a recent interview.
Walking around town in his sweatpants and mustard-stained Van Halen t-shirt, Rusty has so far been unable to collect any signatures, apart from several "IP Freeley" written by local youths.
"The idea is really catching on. I know when I corner someone and tell them about XXXmas, they are really interested," Rusty said, proving he is oblivious to the clues of modern decency, or his own personal hygiene.
Mayor Marcus Freedman stated, "Rusty is going after that nugget now? God, I remember in high school he used to walk around with his shirt tucked into his underwear all the time. Seriously, you never wanted to sit near him...he had this way of staring at you. It just....creeped you out. Made you feel dirty."
Despite the lack of approval from the Mayor, Rusty is still hopeful.
"Oh Marcus and I go way back. I know that when I present this to city council next week, they are going to be all ears and ready to implement my new plan."
Upon hearing that Rusty would be presenting his XXXmas proposal at city council, Mayor Freedman pinched the bridge of his nose, sighed and muttered something about 'this stupid town...'

Canadian government adds "12 Labors of Hercules" rule to EI policy

The Canadian government is making some changes to the Employment Insurance program to cut the number of Canadians on EI, while ensuring that any jobs Canadians want to obtain will be filled quickly by cheap and foreign workers.
The new rules will force the unemployed to accept low-paying jobs, or work they may not want to, among other requirements.
One of the biggest changes to the program is the "12 Labors of Hercules" clause that will require those applying for the right to have a small amount of cash in their bank account to feed and house their family, to complete various superhuman tasks similar to what the demi-god Hercules completed in Greek myth.
"We want to make sure that those Canadians looking for work are committed to finding a job," Human Resources Minister Diane Finley said. "So no, I do not think requiring applicants to capture the Erymanthian Boar, or slay the Nemean Lion, is too much to ask."

The government will not allow any slackers either, requiring all 12 of the labors to be completed, rather than just a couple of them.
"Think of how great it will feel to capture and bring back Cerberus, the multi-headed Hound of Hell, knowing that you can now earn EI benefits that barely cover your rent," Finley said. "Then, as long as a foreign worker has not been hired for a position you are qualified for, you can find employment with your new confidence."
The changes to the EI program came about as several key MPs held high level meetings at a luxury resort, complete with personal saunas and an Olympic-sized swimming pool outside the rooms.
"We all have to tighten our belts and do jobs we may not want to in order to keep the economy humming everyone," an unnamed MP said as he remotely unlocked his Lexus, bought with a salary paid for by Canadians. "Knowing that we are making obtaining money more difficult for Canadians now below the poverty line is something I will cherish as I enjoy my several months long paid break from my own job."
One cost-saving measure also came by slightly changing the Labors.
"We know that there are no more Augean stables to clean in a single day as Hercules did by literally moving a river. So, Canadians wanting EI will now need to clean the Parliament Building," Finley said. "Including that area that gets all the gunk in it behind the sink. So right there, we save on the cost of cleaning crews."
Following the EI announcement, Parliament celebrating with a week-long holiday at a luxury resort in Switzerland.
"Watch me hit this drive," Prime Minister Stephen Harper was reported to have said when asked about the number of Canadians who will soon be feeding themselves at the Dollar Store.

Fun with history!

City officials proudly open new park that teenagers will soon be fornicating in

It was a day of pomp and pageantry as officials in the small Canadian town of Frederson opened up a new park dedicated to the founding pioneers that worked so hard to build the town into what it is today, and the same park that teenagers will soon be loudly fornicating in by week's end.
"It is a proud moment for us to open up Pioneer Park for all the wonderful citizens of the town to enjoy for many years to come," Mayor Floyd Henderson said, while leaving out that the watchful gaze of the statue in the park will soon fall on the white ass of a teenager exploring his sexuality like a drunken walrus.
"Our pioneers worked so hard to make this town, and now we can take our children here and teach them about the sacrifices and heroism of those who made this town great," Mayor Henderson said.
City officials were excited for the announcement and reveled in the high that comes from a park opening in that brief honeymoon period before the park becomes a haven for drunken teenagers smashing bottles and using the outstretched bronze arm of town founder Jeremiah MacIntosh for support during fornicating efforts.
"My great-grandfather would be so proud of this moment," Samantha MacIntosh, whose son would soon be urinated on the statue of his ancestor while loudly screaming at the moon, said.
As of press time, the park had been used by one man to walk his dog, a homeless man to relieve himself and three teenagers who photographed themselves giving the statue a Rod Carew.

God gives Kirk Cameron Cease and Desist order

Kirk Cameron, the teen heart-throb who starred in Growing Pains in the 1980s and who became a born again Christian, has been presented with a Cease and Desist order from God Himself. The order, which stated that Cameron will no longer represent the Almighty in earthly matters cites many examples of Cameron shooting his mouth off on heavenly matters and, as the document states, "acting like a general douchebag."
"Seriously, I liked Growing Pains but he totally ruined it with his Christian righteousness," the Almighty said in an interview that shattered the earthly bonds of reality. "I get it, you don't believe in evolution but do you really have to go on television with photoshopped photos, yelling about how it doesn't make sense? I created evolution bitch!"
Cameron is well-known for his support of Christian ideals and beliefs, even if they contradict reality and are debunked by mountains of facts compiled over the past century.
"Why can't he be more like Alan Thicke?" God questioned while taking a sip of heavenly scotch while sitting behind an oak desk.
When questioned about the Cease and Desist order, Cameron responded that Darwin was a drunk and clearly that proves that evolution is bogus.
"I prefer to believe what God has told me, and I will continue to spread his word and fight for Christianity and against evolution!"
When told with this God pinched the bridge of his nose, shook his head and responded with a loud outburst of profanity that shook Heaven and Hell.

Newscaster Wishes Azerbaijan Would Stop Making News

Local newscaster Nick Willchuk, who has won several local awards and is a common sight at the annual Christmas parade, is reportedly fed up with trying to pronounce Azerbaijan on the news.
"I have no problem with the Azer...back...Jen...people, but seriously, this bloody country has to stop making the news," Willchuk said over coffee to his co-anchor this morning. "Why can't Brazil be in the news all the time? I swear, people don't take into consideration the people who have to say a country name when they name a country."
Azerbaijan, which is the largest country in the Caucasus region of Eurasia, and its residents, are apparently unaware of the displeasure echoed by Willchuk over their country's name.
"I thought I would get used to trying to pronounce that name but every time I try it comes across as something like Azza-backgammon," Willchuk said. "I'm getting tired of having to joke with my co-anchor about that [censored]ing name on the air."
Willchuk, who has no problem pronouncing over 200 country names, just can't seem to get things straight with Azerbaijan.
"I can't wait until the bloody conflict between two rival factions in the country is over so I can stop saying that freaking name on the air. Maybe the winning faction will change the name to something everyone can pronounce," Willchuk said. "Its like when you have that kid in school whose name you can't pronounce. You don't try to learn his name, you just strip him naked and tie him to a flag pole. I think Azza....whatever, needs to learn that lesson."
Recently, the situation in Azerbaijan has escalated as conflict spilled into the outlying areas, ensuring it will be a top story on the news tonight.
"[censored] me," Willchuk said upon hearing the news.
According to sources, Willchuk also hopes that Georgia will change the name of its capital from Tbilisi to something easier, like Jacksonville.

Back To Future Reference Lost On Man About To Be Murdered By Hitchhiker

An excellent Back to the Future reference spoken by Herman Smendernson was completely lost on Michael Murray, the man who picked up Herman when he was hitchhiking and would now meet his brutal end at Herman's hand in the abandoned Spirograph factory.
"Where we are going, we don't need roads," Smendernson had said to Murray as he apparently pointed a gun at the man who apparently had never seen the iconic 1980s movie that centered on Marty McFly's quest to return to 1985.
"I really thought that he would laugh, or at least chuckle at the reference. I mean it was not only funny, but it was also true because, you know, we were going to drive into the forest where I would brutally murder him as spirographs looked down upon us," Smendernson, who clearly has a keen grasp on pop culture, said.
According to reports, instead of laughing Murray only sobbed, begged for mercy and prayed to the Almighty to deliver from the apparent hell he was in. Absoluletely no mention was made of the excellent reference spoken by the mentally-disturbed Smendernson who would soon be making his ninth kill.
"I thought it was rude, to tell you the truth," Smendernson said. "It almost put me off killing him and having coffee with his dead body in the abandoned Spirograph factory."
Lost further on Murray, who was not much of a talker, choosing to sob quietly instead of responding to Smendernson, was the fact that Smendernson looked a lot like Doc Brown making the reference even more hilarious.