The new rules will force the unemployed to accept low-paying jobs, or work they may not want to, among other requirements.
One of the biggest changes to the program is the "12 Labors of Hercules" clause that will require those applying for the right to have a small amount of cash in their bank account to feed and house their family, to complete various superhuman tasks similar to what the demi-god Hercules completed in Greek myth.
"We want to make sure that those Canadians looking for work are committed to finding a job," Human Resources Minister Diane Finley said. "So no, I do not think requiring applicants to capture the Erymanthian Boar, or slay the Nemean Lion, is too much to ask."
The government will not allow any slackers either, requiring all 12 of the labors to be completed, rather than just a couple of them.
"Think of how great it will feel to capture and bring back Cerberus, the multi-headed Hound of Hell, knowing that you can now earn EI benefits that barely cover your rent," Finley said. "Then, as long as a foreign worker has not been hired for a position you are qualified for, you can find employment with your new confidence."
The changes to the EI program came about as several key MPs held high level meetings at a luxury resort, complete with personal saunas and an Olympic-sized swimming pool outside the rooms.
"We all have to tighten our belts and do jobs we may not want to in order to keep the economy humming everyone," an unnamed MP said as he remotely unlocked his Lexus, bought with a salary paid for by Canadians. "Knowing that we are making obtaining money more difficult for Canadians now below the poverty line is something I will cherish as I enjoy my several months long paid break from my own job."
One cost-saving measure also came by slightly changing the Labors.
"We know that there are no more Augean stables to clean in a single day as Hercules did by literally moving a river. So, Canadians wanting EI will now need to clean the Parliament Building," Finley said. "Including that area that gets all the gunk in it behind the sink. So right there, we save on the cost of cleaning crews."
Following the EI announcement, Parliament celebrating with a week-long holiday at a luxury resort in Switzerland.
"Watch me hit this drive," Prime Minister Stephen Harper was reported to have said when asked about the number of Canadians who will soon be feeding themselves at the Dollar Store.
