Newscaster Wishes Azerbaijan Would Stop Making News

Local newscaster Nick Willchuk, who has won several local awards and is a common sight at the annual Christmas parade, is reportedly fed up with trying to pronounce Azerbaijan on the news.
"I have no problem with the Azer...back...Jen...people, but seriously, this bloody country has to stop making the news," Willchuk said over coffee to his co-anchor this morning. "Why can't Brazil be in the news all the time? I swear, people don't take into consideration the people who have to say a country name when they name a country."
Azerbaijan, which is the largest country in the Caucasus region of Eurasia, and its residents, are apparently unaware of the displeasure echoed by Willchuk over their country's name.
"I thought I would get used to trying to pronounce that name but every time I try it comes across as something like Azza-backgammon," Willchuk said. "I'm getting tired of having to joke with my co-anchor about that [censored]ing name on the air."
Willchuk, who has no problem pronouncing over 200 country names, just can't seem to get things straight with Azerbaijan.
"I can't wait until the bloody conflict between two rival factions in the country is over so I can stop saying that freaking name on the air. Maybe the winning faction will change the name to something everyone can pronounce," Willchuk said. "Its like when you have that kid in school whose name you can't pronounce. You don't try to learn his name, you just strip him naked and tie him to a flag pole. I think Azza....whatever, needs to learn that lesson."
Recently, the situation in Azerbaijan has escalated as conflict spilled into the outlying areas, ensuring it will be a top story on the news tonight.
"[censored] me," Willchuk said upon hearing the news.
According to sources, Willchuk also hopes that Georgia will change the name of its capital from Tbilisi to something easier, like Jacksonville.

Back To Future Reference Lost On Man About To Be Murdered By Hitchhiker

An excellent Back to the Future reference spoken by Herman Smendernson was completely lost on Michael Murray, the man who picked up Herman when he was hitchhiking and would now meet his brutal end at Herman's hand in the abandoned Spirograph factory.
"Where we are going, we don't need roads," Smendernson had said to Murray as he apparently pointed a gun at the man who apparently had never seen the iconic 1980s movie that centered on Marty McFly's quest to return to 1985.
"I really thought that he would laugh, or at least chuckle at the reference. I mean it was not only funny, but it was also true because, you know, we were going to drive into the forest where I would brutally murder him as spirographs looked down upon us," Smendernson, who clearly has a keen grasp on pop culture, said.
According to reports, instead of laughing Murray only sobbed, begged for mercy and prayed to the Almighty to deliver from the apparent hell he was in. Absoluletely no mention was made of the excellent reference spoken by the mentally-disturbed Smendernson who would soon be making his ninth kill.
"I thought it was rude, to tell you the truth," Smendernson said. "It almost put me off killing him and having coffee with his dead body in the abandoned Spirograph factory."
Lost further on Murray, who was not much of a talker, choosing to sob quietly instead of responding to Smendernson, was the fact that Smendernson looked a lot like Doc Brown making the reference even more hilarious.

London Rioter Evokes Memory of Boadicea To Justify Stealing TV

As riots raged across London, causing the sky to fill with the smoke of burning buildings, 22-year-old London resident Nigel Hythe, pictured here, evoked the memory of Boadicea to justify his stealing of a 42-inch Panasonic television from the local electronics store.
"Just as the great warrior queen burned down Londonium circa 60 AD to fight against Roman tyranny, we do the same in our modern world," Hythe said, careful not to drop his ill-gotten gains.
Boadicea, who was queen of the Celtic Iceni tribe, launched a complete uprising against the Romans after her husband, a long-time ally of Rome, died and Rome annexed all of his lands and ignored his will. Upon protesting, Boadicea was whipped and her daughters assaulted.
"We will not stand for the tyranny of our government, we are a free people!" Hythe shouted to several other looters who wouldn't have known Boadicea from The Situation. "This is our uprising, this is our time!"
Hythe, who hoped to compliment his new television with an Xbox and several games, also tweeted "Boadicea lives again!" on Twitter, garnering a confused response from his four followers.
Upon placing the television in his home, Hythe returned to the streets and assisted in the tipping over of a vehicle belonging to a nearby resident who will now be taking public transit to both their jobs.
"When Boadicea rose up against the Romans, she struck a blow against tyranny and injustice and that is what we are doing now," Hythe said, mispronouncing Boadicea's name once again. "This is what we are doing!"
When asked about why the riots happened, Hythe went through a number of reasons including government oppression, high tuition prices and the high level of crime in one of the safest and most stable countries on Earth, which enjoys a high level of freedom within its democracy.
At last reports, Hythe had stolen both an Xbox and PS3 in the name of freedom and Boadicea, while tweeting "Got some nice shitz bitches! Whoo Whoo Riot!" on Twitter.