Paul McCartney Announced As New Lead Singer of Korn

Paul McCartney, the legendary member of The Beatles is joining a new band; Korn. McCartney, who is the best selling recording artist of all time through his solo work, along with his work with The Beatles and Wings, will now be moving in a new direction as the lead singer of Korn following the unexpected departure of Jonathan Davis, who will now be raising Arabian horses on his farm in Wisconsin.
"Korn has always been a big part of my life, but I just want to slow things down a bit, raise horses and wax poetically about the wind blowing upon the fields," Davis said.
Many fans are surprised by the announcement of McCartney, known more for his pop and rock music than the neo-metal/alternative music Korn is known for but they are keeping an open mind.
"I guess this guy can sing and stuff, but I don't know, there isn't much similarities between Please Please Me and Freak on a Leash," said one fan. "That being said, who knows it may be great."
The members of Korn are hoping though, that McCartney, who himself is responsible for 31 number one singles, will help take the band to a new level not seen since The Beatles changed music beyond description in the 1960s.
"We weren't going to give him a chance but then he sent us a demo tape of him singing Shoots and Ladders, we knew we had our guy," said James 'Munky' Shaffer.
Korn, with their new lead singer, have already begun work on their next album "Meet The Korn" which will feature covers of famous Beatles songs.
"I am excited to join this band and continue my stellar career that has seen me alter the perception of music fans, influence rock music immeasurably and literally change the pop culture consciousness of the entire planet," said McCartney.
In other news, Nickleback reportedly turned down Ringo Starr's offer to join them as a backup drummer.

Friends Tired Of Friend Who Won't Shut The Fuck Up About The Beatles

Exasperated friends of Jefferson MacLeod have had enough of him constantly reminding them about how great The Beatles are.
"Every chance he gets, it is unbelievable. Yesterday I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie and I commented how I like their music and he goes off on how they can't compare to The Beatles and when Death Cab for Cutie make something as good as Rubber Soul, maybe he will listen. I like The Beatles too, but does he have to constantly go on about it?"
MacLeod, who owns nine Beatles shirts and routinely puts their music on Facebook as a representation of his own personality and failed dreams of attaining the lasting influence The Beatles have with anything in his life, was not available for comment.
"The Beatles are great, everyone knows that. It is like saying 'Hey Jupiter is the biggest planet in the solar system', its just a fact. You don't make yourself out to be some goddamn mystical rock aficionado just because you listen to The Beatles."
According to MacLeod's brother, he will most likely be over his Beatles phase in a few months.
"He does this all the time, gets really into a band, says they are amazing and then just moves on. Last year he was really into Wham! and kept talking about how George Michael was a creative genius. Although, I have to say I prefer him blasting "Happiness is a Warm Gun" through the house than "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go"
According to early reports, MacLeod is about to move onto KISS before finally telling everyone how great Led Zeppelin is around April next year.

Ringo Starr Revealed To Be A Muppet

In a shocking turn of events, Ringo Starr, former drummer of The Beatles and sunglasses enthusiast, admitted on his 71st birthday that he is in fact a muppet. The news did not come as a surprise to many close to Starr who routinely saw evidence of Starr as a muppet given his close relationship with the late Jim Henson, the talking bird that lives in his house and the puppeteer who controls Starr with two sticks and a hand up his backside.
Starr was quoted as saying "Now that the truth is finally out, I can accept who I am and not feel subconsious about eating cookies that crunch in my mouth and fall all around me because, you know, I don't have an throat, or any internal organs.
Starr shot to fame as a member of The Beatles, who during their time were the top band in the world and would largely be forgotten now if not for the song-writing talents of Starr and his ability to create complex harmonies and melodies through a god-given talent for music. Starr was joined in The Beatles by bandmates George Henderson, Paul MacArthur and John Leonard.
Originally, the Beatles were going to go with well-known drummer and scholar Carlton "Animal" Winchester the IV, before choosing Starr after watching him play the drums with his fingers on a park bench.
From all of us at I Just Want My Kids Back, we wish the most famous muppet on the planet, Ringo Starr, a happy 71st birthday.