Newscaster Wishes Azerbaijan Would Stop Making News

Local newscaster Nick Willchuk, who has won several local awards and is a common sight at the annual Christmas parade, is reportedly fed up with trying to pronounce Azerbaijan on the news.
"I have no problem with the Azer...back...Jen...people, but seriously, this bloody country has to stop making the news," Willchuk said over coffee to his co-anchor this morning. "Why can't Brazil be in the news all the time? I swear, people don't take into consideration the people who have to say a country name when they name a country."
Azerbaijan, which is the largest country in the Caucasus region of Eurasia, and its residents, are apparently unaware of the displeasure echoed by Willchuk over their country's name.
"I thought I would get used to trying to pronounce that name but every time I try it comes across as something like Azza-backgammon," Willchuk said. "I'm getting tired of having to joke with my co-anchor about that [censored]ing name on the air."
Willchuk, who has no problem pronouncing over 200 country names, just can't seem to get things straight with Azerbaijan.
"I can't wait until the bloody conflict between two rival factions in the country is over so I can stop saying that freaking name on the air. Maybe the winning faction will change the name to something everyone can pronounce," Willchuk said. "Its like when you have that kid in school whose name you can't pronounce. You don't try to learn his name, you just strip him naked and tie him to a flag pole. I think Azza....whatever, needs to learn that lesson."
Recently, the situation in Azerbaijan has escalated as conflict spilled into the outlying areas, ensuring it will be a top story on the news tonight.
"[censored] me," Willchuk said upon hearing the news.
According to sources, Willchuk also hopes that Georgia will change the name of its capital from Tbilisi to something easier, like Jacksonville.

Back To Future Reference Lost On Man About To Be Murdered By Hitchhiker

An excellent Back to the Future reference spoken by Herman Smendernson was completely lost on Michael Murray, the man who picked up Herman when he was hitchhiking and would now meet his brutal end at Herman's hand in the abandoned Spirograph factory.
"Where we are going, we don't need roads," Smendernson had said to Murray as he apparently pointed a gun at the man who apparently had never seen the iconic 1980s movie that centered on Marty McFly's quest to return to 1985.
"I really thought that he would laugh, or at least chuckle at the reference. I mean it was not only funny, but it was also true because, you know, we were going to drive into the forest where I would brutally murder him as spirographs looked down upon us," Smendernson, who clearly has a keen grasp on pop culture, said.
According to reports, instead of laughing Murray only sobbed, begged for mercy and prayed to the Almighty to deliver from the apparent hell he was in. Absoluletely no mention was made of the excellent reference spoken by the mentally-disturbed Smendernson who would soon be making his ninth kill.
"I thought it was rude, to tell you the truth," Smendernson said. "It almost put me off killing him and having coffee with his dead body in the abandoned Spirograph factory."
Lost further on Murray, who was not much of a talker, choosing to sob quietly instead of responding to Smendernson, was the fact that Smendernson looked a lot like Doc Brown making the reference even more hilarious.

London Rioter Evokes Memory of Boadicea To Justify Stealing TV

As riots raged across London, causing the sky to fill with the smoke of burning buildings, 22-year-old London resident Nigel Hythe, pictured here, evoked the memory of Boadicea to justify his stealing of a 42-inch Panasonic television from the local electronics store.
"Just as the great warrior queen burned down Londonium circa 60 AD to fight against Roman tyranny, we do the same in our modern world," Hythe said, careful not to drop his ill-gotten gains.
Boadicea, who was queen of the Celtic Iceni tribe, launched a complete uprising against the Romans after her husband, a long-time ally of Rome, died and Rome annexed all of his lands and ignored his will. Upon protesting, Boadicea was whipped and her daughters assaulted.
"We will not stand for the tyranny of our government, we are a free people!" Hythe shouted to several other looters who wouldn't have known Boadicea from The Situation. "This is our uprising, this is our time!"
Hythe, who hoped to compliment his new television with an Xbox and several games, also tweeted "Boadicea lives again!" on Twitter, garnering a confused response from his four followers.
Upon placing the television in his home, Hythe returned to the streets and assisted in the tipping over of a vehicle belonging to a nearby resident who will now be taking public transit to both their jobs.
"When Boadicea rose up against the Romans, she struck a blow against tyranny and injustice and that is what we are doing now," Hythe said, mispronouncing Boadicea's name once again. "This is what we are doing!"
When asked about why the riots happened, Hythe went through a number of reasons including government oppression, high tuition prices and the high level of crime in one of the safest and most stable countries on Earth, which enjoys a high level of freedom within its democracy.
At last reports, Hythe had stolen both an Xbox and PS3 in the name of freedom and Boadicea, while tweeting "Got some nice shitz bitches! Whoo Whoo Riot!" on Twitter.

Local Neil Patrick Harris Wishes Actor Neil Patrick Harris Didn't Hog Google Rankings

Local cafe owner and former town councillor Neil Patrick Harris has voiced his displeasure over "that other Neil Patrick Harris" for hogging Google rankings.
According to reports, Harris was doing a search for himself on Google only to find all entries going to at least page 20 on Google were filled with the actor Neil Patrick Harris, best known for his roles on How I Met Your Mother and Doogie Howser M.D.
"Don't get me wrong, they guy is a great actor and pretty funny, but I want to see what people are saying about me," the non-famous Harris said. "I don't know who Harold and Kumar are, but they keep showing up in these rankings, above me even, it irks me I must say."
Harris, the non-famous one and not the well-known actor who has made us laugh for over 20 years, has reportedly gone as far as page 30 before finally giving up.
"I know more about How I Met Your Mother than I really want to know now," the obscure Harris who will be forgotten to history in only a few decades said. "All I want to know is where my name pops up but pretty boy needs all the rankings I guess."
Councillor Harris, whose biggest bit of fame came when he was featured in a 4-H Club newspaper photo in 1990, which was around the same time the other Neil Patrick Harris was making us laugh, cry and applaud with his potrayal of Doogie Howser.
"I tried to narrow down the results by putting in 'Neil Patrick Harris' -funny -tonyawards -'How I Met Your Mother' -Doogie -'Unicorn Rainbow' -awesome' but he still takes up most of the rankings," Harris said while angerly hitting the arrow key on his keyboard
Recently, the unknown Harris gave up on using Facebook.
"I kept getting friend requests from people saying they love Doogie. I thought it was some sort of drug until I looked it up online. I can't even tell people that to find me they just need to search for my name on Facebook because he hogs so many accounts with his fame," Harris yelled to the sky in a vain attempt to understand why God cursed him with such a name. "His Twitter account is ActuallyNPH, so who am I? NotActuallyNPH?"
Three months ago, Harris, who makes a great latte, created a Twitter account to give people updates on council matters. While initially elated to have 20,000 followers, he soon realized that it was a case of mistaken identity by his followers, who believed he was the well-known and never-to-be-forgotten Neil Patrick Harris.
"I would change my name but, well, I had it first so, maybe he should change his," Harris said as he stared off into the distance all reflective-like.
The famous Neil Patrick Harris, who not only acts but sings and practices magic, could not be reached for comment at this time.

Paul McCartney Announced As New Lead Singer of Korn

Paul McCartney, the legendary member of The Beatles is joining a new band; Korn. McCartney, who is the best selling recording artist of all time through his solo work, along with his work with The Beatles and Wings, will now be moving in a new direction as the lead singer of Korn following the unexpected departure of Jonathan Davis, who will now be raising Arabian horses on his farm in Wisconsin.
"Korn has always been a big part of my life, but I just want to slow things down a bit, raise horses and wax poetically about the wind blowing upon the fields," Davis said.
Many fans are surprised by the announcement of McCartney, known more for his pop and rock music than the neo-metal/alternative music Korn is known for but they are keeping an open mind.
"I guess this guy can sing and stuff, but I don't know, there isn't much similarities between Please Please Me and Freak on a Leash," said one fan. "That being said, who knows it may be great."
The members of Korn are hoping though, that McCartney, who himself is responsible for 31 number one singles, will help take the band to a new level not seen since The Beatles changed music beyond description in the 1960s.
"We weren't going to give him a chance but then he sent us a demo tape of him singing Shoots and Ladders, we knew we had our guy," said James 'Munky' Shaffer.
Korn, with their new lead singer, have already begun work on their next album "Meet The Korn" which will feature covers of famous Beatles songs.
"I am excited to join this band and continue my stellar career that has seen me alter the perception of music fans, influence rock music immeasurably and literally change the pop culture consciousness of the entire planet," said McCartney.
In other news, Nickleback reportedly turned down Ringo Starr's offer to join them as a backup drummer.

World Governments Deems Liking Own Status A "Douche Maneuver"

In an emergency session of the United Nations General Assembly, the leaders of the world were unanimous in their decision to label liking your own Facebook status as a "douche maneuver". The world's governments came together in an unprecedented fashion to bring about this world-changing decision.
"From this point forward, writing up a status and then clicking like on it as if you were some sort of egotistical maniac bent on gaining approval, anyone's approval, even your own, will be known as a douche maneuver," Ban Ki-moon, Secretary-General of the United Nations said following the vote which saw only France and the United States vote against it.
"The United States prides itself on its ability to like what it creates. We like the light bulb, the automobile and landing on the moon, so why can't we like our own witty comments about what we did that day?" said Susan Rice, the United States Ambassador to the United Nations. "The United States cannot sit idly by waiting for someone to like what we write on Facebook, it is up to all Americans to get things started and clicking like on something we just wrote 15 seconds ago."
Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada had a different take on the whole matter.
"Why would you click like on your own status? You wrote the mother [censored] status, so why would you click like on it?" Harper asked while glancing down at his iPhone waiting to see if anyone liked his status about his brothers cat having kittens yet. "No, liking your own status is as bad as putting big decals on the back of your Mazda that say "MAZDA", having a barb-wire tattoo or putting truck-nuts on your truck."
Douche bags around the world however were outraged.
"Don't tread on me! Don't tell me I can't like my own status! It is freedom of speech, the 17th amendment people!" said Rufus T. Spalding, a native of Arkansas who has a poor understanding of his own constitutional amendments.
"AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT THE [censored] UN TELLING ME ITS NOT OKAY TO LIKE MY OWN STATUS!!!!!!!" said the status on Jessica Fransisco's Facebook wall. Fifteen seconds later, Fransisco clicked like. Whether this was done ironically, counter-culturally or simply because she is a douche is not known at this time.
Most around the world however, applaud the decision by the United Nations.
"I will click like on that resolution!" said Magovernor Tannenbalm after hearing the news and writing a quick status of satisfaction on his Facebook wall. "And my 89 Facebook friends can click like on that....but I won't be!"
Next up for the United Nations is a resolution asking that all people who take a photo of themselves with their phone in front of a mirror with their shirt off be classified as "f*cking 'tards"

Local Man May Do Something About Guy With 15 Items In Express Line....Maybe

Frank Murdoch, currently a customer at the local Safeway, is pretty sure that the asshole in front of him has 15 items in the express line, even though it clearly says 10 items or less.
"Its completely flaunting the rules and it shows a complete disregard for the rest of us," Murdoch said while giving the man in front of him a slight glare to show his displeasure with the entire situation.
Murdoch, when not serving as the bringer of express lane justice, is a mid-level manager at a local office supply company and has not yet created reputation for himself of bringing down the house on those who flaunt society's rules for their own enjoyment.
According to early reports, Murdoch stated "Guess 10 items or less is only a suggestion" towards the man in front of him but at such a volume that no one standing more than a foot from Murdoch would hear.
As the 12th item was rung through, Murdoch amplified his glare at the malcontent who is all that is wrong with the world according to Murdoch.
"I really should say something, you know, because this is just rude, I may say something, but he is almost rung through so, who knows you know?" Murdoch said in the simple passive-aggressive tone he uses in the office when someone leaves only half a cup in the coffee maker without making anymore.
With the 15th item going through, the man in front of Murdoch turned to him and smiled. According to witnesses in the store, Murdoch then smiled back and mentioned the great deal on Coca-Cola in the store.
Individuals in the parking lot reported that Murdoch was later seen in his car yelling and making large hand gestures, most likely recreating a dramatization of how he wanted the entire confrontation to go.

God Loses Post In Hostile Corporate Takeover

In a surprise move, God, the Almighty, was removed from his post as the decider of our fates in a hostile corporate takeover by Zeus. Zeus, who had been in charge centuries ago, apparently organized the takeover feeling that the shareholders of existence, humans, were not being represented properly by God.
"There was a time when God would bust some heads. I mean when he flooded the world and killed everyone, we knew this guy meant business. But now, I don't know, he doesn't do much except making an oil stain look like him," said Zeus, CEO of Human Existence in a prepared statement.
God, who could not be reached for comment, is expected to retire now to his cottage in Florida to wait out the clock.
"Our shareholders need a badass creator and that is me. Look, God sent his son to talk to the shareholders and they crucified the poor guy. Well, I would like to see them try and do that with my son. Hercules would tear them a new asshole, I kid you not," Zeus said.
Other than the occasional woman seduced by Zeus posing as a swan, most humans are not expecting many changes under the new management.

Friends Tired Of Friend Who Won't Shut The Fuck Up About The Beatles

Exasperated friends of Jefferson MacLeod have had enough of him constantly reminding them about how great The Beatles are.
"Every chance he gets, it is unbelievable. Yesterday I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie and I commented how I like their music and he goes off on how they can't compare to The Beatles and when Death Cab for Cutie make something as good as Rubber Soul, maybe he will listen. I like The Beatles too, but does he have to constantly go on about it?"
MacLeod, who owns nine Beatles shirts and routinely puts their music on Facebook as a representation of his own personality and failed dreams of attaining the lasting influence The Beatles have with anything in his life, was not available for comment.
"The Beatles are great, everyone knows that. It is like saying 'Hey Jupiter is the biggest planet in the solar system', its just a fact. You don't make yourself out to be some goddamn mystical rock aficionado just because you listen to The Beatles."
According to MacLeod's brother, he will most likely be over his Beatles phase in a few months.
"He does this all the time, gets really into a band, says they are amazing and then just moves on. Last year he was really into Wham! and kept talking about how George Michael was a creative genius. Although, I have to say I prefer him blasting "Happiness is a Warm Gun" through the house than "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go"
According to early reports, MacLeod is about to move onto KISS before finally telling everyone how great Led Zeppelin is around April next year.

Survey Finds Level Of Naked Breasts In Dante's Inferno "Excessive"

In a recent survey completed by our staff, it was found that most consider the amount of naked breasts in Dante's Inferno to border on "excessive".
For those who do not know, Dante's Inferno, the game and not the 13th century book, has an inordinate number of breasts in it, populating the screen at every opportunity.
"I can handle the demented prostitutes who have serpent tentacles coming out of their [censored], but seriously it is only occasionally. But with the breasts, I mean they are everywhere. Whoever made that game has issues with their mother, I kid you not," said one respondent.
"When I play GTA 4, I didn't have to worry about my wife walking in on me but with Dante's Inferno, seriously, I feel like I am watching a porno. How do I explain this game to my wife when unbaptized babies come out of Cleopatra's nipples and scurry along her immense breasts? That is a conversation I don't want to have," said another respondent who stated the game put him off the whole journey through hell genre.
The game involves Dante's effort to save his beloved Beatrice while he is thrown up on by gluttons, grabbed by prostitutes and tormented in a variety of ways that typically involve breasts moving hypnotically around him.
A expert in the original Dante's Inferno commented after playing the game that while the depiction of hell is somewhat different from the original book, the level of breasts is consistent, if not less than what the book had.
"In the Middle Ages, breasts were thought about, talked about and even drawn at every opportunity. Unlike today when sexualization is no longer done for the purpose of selling goods, the Middle Ages was rife with topless women depicted everywhere, including literature at the time. I commend the makers of the game for going against the grain that we see in media. Personally, I think it may be about time we saw more topless women in media and I hope this game leads to the same in movies, of which nudity is almost unheard of."
In an effort to understand why Dante's Inferno needs so many breasts in it, the staff here will continue to play the game in a dark room with the door locked.

Local Man Makes Point To Express Disinterest In Royals

As William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, make their way across North America, one area man has made a point of expressing his disinterest in the royal family to anyone who will listen.
"I was mentioning that Will and Kate were in Calgary for the Stampede and he came up to me, like walked right out of his way to do so, and said that with all the suffering in the world, it seems stupid to focus on two people," said co-worker Mindy Baker.
The area man, identified as Michael Hall, no relation to the legendary actor, has even voiced his displeasure for the couple on Facebook stating "Kate Middleton told a lady in PEI that her dress was nice. How do I know that? Because the news thought it was newsworthy enough to tell me!"
At times, Hall's anger towards the couple borders on mania as more and more attention is heaped on them.
"I just don't get it. There is so much wrong in the world, people are starving in the streets and here we are focusing on two people who were born into wealth," Hall said forgetting the fact Middleton was born a commoner and neglecting to mention he spends his evenings playing World of Warcraft instead of volunteering at the homeless shelter two blocks away.
Anger against the royal couple reached its zenith in April during their wedding. For several weeks leading up to the wedding, Hall expressed growing anger against the coverage of the wedding, going so far to create a note on Facebook called "Why The Royal Wedding Doesn't Matter To Me". Ever the skilled marketer of his own ideas, Hall ensured he tagged everyone in his contact list so all would see it and pass it on after seeing he was right to get angry over a wedding that had no affect on his life. When the big day arrived, Hall was up early watching and writing down items that made him angry, ensuring he could make another note no one would read highlighting why the royal couple is all that is wrong with the world in Hall's mind.
Once the royal couple has left North America, Hall plans to begin telling people that hockey players are paid too much when police officers are paid little, and how he was on Facebook before it was cool and now only uses it to network with others like him, and to play Farmville.

Ringo Starr Revealed To Be A Muppet

In a shocking turn of events, Ringo Starr, former drummer of The Beatles and sunglasses enthusiast, admitted on his 71st birthday that he is in fact a muppet. The news did not come as a surprise to many close to Starr who routinely saw evidence of Starr as a muppet given his close relationship with the late Jim Henson, the talking bird that lives in his house and the puppeteer who controls Starr with two sticks and a hand up his backside.
Starr was quoted as saying "Now that the truth is finally out, I can accept who I am and not feel subconsious about eating cookies that crunch in my mouth and fall all around me because, you know, I don't have an throat, or any internal organs.
Starr shot to fame as a member of The Beatles, who during their time were the top band in the world and would largely be forgotten now if not for the song-writing talents of Starr and his ability to create complex harmonies and melodies through a god-given talent for music. Starr was joined in The Beatles by bandmates George Henderson, Paul MacArthur and John Leonard.
Originally, the Beatles were going to go with well-known drummer and scholar Carlton "Animal" Winchester the IV, before choosing Starr after watching him play the drums with his fingers on a park bench.
From all of us at I Just Want My Kids Back, we wish the most famous muppet on the planet, Ringo Starr, a happy 71st birthday.